My goal is to marry a farmer. These are the words often communicated when I ask the ‘younger’ generation about their plans for the future. An admiral goal, if I don’t say so myself, as I too married a farmer. However, marrying into a farm family business is not always romantic. There are many family members, agriculture business people, and community members, who for better or worse feel they have a vested interest in the farm. You must prepare yourself now for survival.
Once the show ring romance and the ‘ah’ of the big green tractor has worn off, reality will set in. Outside our industry, I believe most people say the honeymoon eventually ends. Gaining a sense of self, obtaining an education, and experiencing many different personalities will help you and your marriage thrive within the family farm business.
When you marry a farmer, you marry his/her family, the deep rooted culture of the family business, and the community that has supported the family business for years and often decades. First, you must understand that every family business has a culture. Family business culture is best described as what makes the business tic, why the family members rise to the occasion every day to work together and care for the land. Common cultural themes include: growing a viable business for the next generation, a sense of community, and or pride of ownership for the land. Like it or not, culture is best learned by listening and observing the senior generation.
Having a sense of self prior to marrying a farmer is synonymous to my kitchen rule. There is only room for one woman in every kitchen. Seriously, when was the last time your mother, sister, and or aunt invited you to her kitchen to cook Thanksgiving dinner? Like the domain of a kitchen, boundaries must be respected. Chances are there will already be a family member in the farm business kitchen. Like culture, careful observation will reveal who is really in charge. Recognizing it is not your turn to be in the kitchen, you must have your own kitchen, your own identity, your own sense of self. This is where having your education, your own identity, and your own strengths will help you thrive in the family business.
Your education, understanding and compassion for others will be the greatest wedding gift you will give your spouse and the family business. If you are not the keeper of the kitchen, you may find your greatest contribution to the family business is that you get up and leave every day. Yes, every morning you get up and leave the person, as well as the business that you once found so deeply romantic. However, you will bring home your experiences. As a result of your off farm experience you will be able to provide intellectual and mental support to your spouse when he/she communicates the challenges of human resource management, the cyclical nature of commodity pricing and or the biological opportunities of raising animals and crops. You must enjoy being the supporter, and not be supported!
After thirteen years of marriage, I still find agriculture to be a romantic industry. However, the romance has moved from the show ring and the big green tractor to other areas of the business. The global economy, commodity pricing, cash flow management and employee relations all seem to dominate the evening conversations. These topics are exciting, they provide for opportunities to strengthen family relationships, obtain profits, and create future strategies. They make us stronger and cause us stress. If you too find these topics romantic, and are prepared to endure the highs and lows of the global economy; then you are ready to say ‘I do’ to the farmer and his/her big green tractor.
The author is a professor of Agricultural Business and department chair at Morrisville State College. Her husband John and his family own and operate Tiger Lily Holsteins LLC a sixth generation family farm.
